I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
And now we wait
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon