A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
yeah not falling for this one
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.