How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.