Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Basically.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.