Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You Might Also Like
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.