“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
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I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Many hands make light work
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.