Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
You wish you had this many chins.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.