jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)