Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I identify as an antique shop.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?