“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
and now we wait
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
my first dose meeting my second
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
ok this is my dumbest yet
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine