me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
This meal prepping shit easy