SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
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Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.