Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies