DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?