Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You Might Also Like
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy