Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.