[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”