i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠