When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
you stereotypes are all alike
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.