If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*pronounces patio like ratio
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me