God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.