Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
drew a comic about my origin story
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.