I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.