“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’