interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.