[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*