I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
good morning
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Your honor these allegations are
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Weighing up my bread heating options
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️