Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.