if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.