Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Encore…
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.