Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime