Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
BaD BoY!!
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.