me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My five year plan is a meteorite
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
When you “pspspsp” too hard
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.