Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
A bold strategy
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones