#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Pass gas, not judgment.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking