Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
knights of the ikea table
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Dolls on drugs
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.