amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
is it earth
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends