I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA