‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it