Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
what are they serving at kfc then???
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
uh oh
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
What the hell happened here.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.