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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I think this cat is broken
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade