if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
<—- homeless romantic
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.