Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
You Might Also Like
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.