guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.