This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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i hate you platonically
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Do not steal food from the science building!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Dune (2021)
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…