[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.