I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?