Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.