Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Breaking news:
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I am HOWLING at this
The happy life.. 😊
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals