{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Breakfast for Stoners:
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Covid like
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*